An excerpt from the book by psychologist Ekaterina Murashova “Treat or love?”
I am very easily deceived,” the woman warned and smiled. Pretty charming.
I smiled back.
I haven't even started yet. Not enough information.
The information was released immediately. Everything, in general, is simple.
Everyone always "threw" her. From best friends to the weather and humanity in general. All endeavors ended in failure. If she finds Good work, then the office ceases to exist after two months. If he meets an interesting man, it turns out that he is a newcomer and, due to circumstances, he urgently needs a St. Petersburg residence permit. If she puts money in the bank, the bank is revoked and bankrupt almost immediately. If she comes to a stop, then the trolleybus she needs drives off before her eyes. If she takes an umbrella in the morning, then the weather is good all day. If he doesn’t take it, then ... understand? She doesn't blame anyone for anything. Clearly, there is something wrong with her. But what?
Let's say that she does not have enough intelligence to understand the reliability of banks and the decency of men. But what about the weather and everything?
The woman was pretty and well dressed. Her figure is clearly familiar with fitness and diets. To put money in an unreliable bank, you need to have it. In general, everything is not so bad. But she wants to talk, discuss, maybe even really change something in herself.
Perhaps I should now tell you about the family in which I grew up? - businesslike offers a woman.
She's obviously seen movies, maybe read something, she's got some idea of how psychotherapists work, and she's waiting for me to start living up to her expectations now. Alas! - I think. - Now I will do with her exactly the same as the bank, men and the weather (and in a sense, I will also live up to expectations). "Kinu" her.
You are absolutely right, I say. - Something in your life strategy needs to be revised. And it is quite possible that psychotherapy can help you with this. But why did you go to the children's clinic? Look, I have the phone numbers of the nearest psychological consultations for adults and the phone number of the Harmony center hanging on my wall. If that doesn't work for you, you can handle it online.
I usually work with children or families. And in nine cases out of ten I remain in a very narrow framework of psychological counseling. This is my conscious choice. Of course, I studied analytical and other methods of modern psychotherapy, and even separately - hypnosis. When I first started working, I was surprised to find that teenagers, for example, go into a trance state almost at the snap of their fingers. But what to do about it? In most cases, I do not find it necessary (and, to be honest, I'm just afraid!) to get deep into the structure of the personality and even more so - to change something there. Modern psychotherapy, with its several thousand described techniques, is half art, one quarter shamanism, and the remaining quarter - guess what? ..
I admire the genius of Freud, the talents of Jung, Perls and other luminaries. I have deep respect for my many colleagues who work almost exclusively with methods of deep therapy and are ready to build structures of exceptional elegance for the client’s money and at his request for years. and capriciousness. To believe in their objective existence, to convince a person of that, to rebuild these constructions together and sometimes, thereby, really solve some problems. In any case, the client is guaranteed something like a psychotherapeutic personality massage. I know that the woman who came to me has somewhere to go. And it still makes me a little uncomfortable.
I have a daughter, the woman says. - She is twelve years old. Recently she asked me: “Mom, why am I such a loser?” And I was scared: is this hereditary? Or maybe contagious?
All got it! I mentally told myself. - Now, as a dear, from the interests of the child you will listen to how the aunt was treated in her own family and a detailed history of her monotonous failures with men.
Tell me about your daughter, I asked dejectedly.
As I expected, it turned out that everything was fine with the girl. He studies well in a good school, has girlfriends, enjoys additional English and goes to a theater group. But there are always some kind of showdowns with her girlfriends, and the teachers are unfair to her. Another will be given five, and she will get only four for the same.
So! - I said decisively, when the woman hastily finished with her daughter and prepared to tell me with taste, sense, arrangement, with an eye on the Elektra complex, about her relationship with her father. - I give a special psychotherapeutic exercise. Perform once a day, after dinner. Since you still have not died in agony under the fence, but are quite alive and adaptive, it means that sometimes you are still lucky. So, at the end of each day, find three cases of daily luck, tell them aloud to your daughter and write them down in a special notebook. End the description of each case with the phrase: “I was lucky!” Any, even the smallest bit of luck will do. Then bring the notebook to me.
Yes, I don’t even have three cases!
Will be typed!
Should I tell my daughter? It's the same with me.
Necessarily!
She gave me the notebook, giggling. I took it and began to read aloud (handwriting is large, beautiful, like from an excellent girl) ... In the end, too, she could not stand it and laughed. Auntie is an accountant by profession, but actually she could, it seems to me, earn extra money with texts for modern humorous programs. Here are samples: “Three apartments on our site were robbed this afternoon. In a hurry, probably drug addicts. They took only some money from us, an old laptop and my daughter's earrings from under the mirror. The grandmother-neighbor was hit on the head. They took me to the hospital. My daughter and I were not at home. We were lucky, we could also get hit on the head!”
“Today I slipped on the ice under the snow and fell on the way to work. Right behind me was a dilapidated old woman. What if she fell? Definitely a hip fracture. I would have to call an ambulance, take her to the hospital, look for relatives. I would have missed the whole working day, and so only a bruise on my thigh. Lucky me!”
“Today it turned out that a cool man, whom Lyalka beat off from me at a New Year's corporate party, infected her with three sexually transmitted diseases at once. Lucky me!”
What about daughter?
At first she laughed, now she also began to write this, about school. She's even funnier. I read it in the theater studio, the leader said: we will stage! Do you still consider yourself a failure?
Yes, no, but what is it?
To some, yes there, to many people, ordinary life seems too ordinary. I want to be special. But for one reason or another they cannot become astronauts or robbers. Here they are rebuilding under itself reality. Just a little bit... I remember one episode from the memoirs of Isadora Duncan: she comes to a very rich European woman to ask for money in order to build something like a temple on a desert rock in Greece, where barefoot girls in white clothes will dance beautifully (Duncan is sincerely sure that this very important). And she answers her: oh, my dear, this is some kind of nonsense and in general I don’t care about your ideas - I work seriously with Dr. Jung and every day for five or six hours I write down the dreams that I had that night.
Hee hee hee! Are you saying that I'm like them - Duncan and that rich woman? The woman is obviously flattered.
I nod silently.
Tell me, is it possible to rebuild this reality for something else? Not under failure?
Of course you can choose! I generously offer. - Judging by this notebook, you are a talented person.
I would like, until I get old, to stay a little ... well ... a femme fatale, or what?
Maybe. Quite. But, of course, you have to work. For fifteen minutes I am ready to listen and discuss your plan.
Fifteen minutes later, she left already a little changed. Licking on the go. And I realized that Lyalka (even when she recovers) - nothing shines.
1. You are destined to become only one person - the person you choose to become.
2. Do good and feel good. Do bad things and feel bad. It's very simple.
3. You are what you do today, not what you say you will do tomorrow.
4. We all make choices, but in the end our choices make us.
5. If you want to achieve something, devote yourself to it, otherwise you won’t see the result.
6. Stay true to yourself. Never be ashamed to do what makes you happy.
7. If you don't stand your ground, you will forever be on your knees.
8. No amount of money will make you happy if you are unhappy with yourself.
9. The main thing is to be sure that you are making the right choice.
10. Don't worry if your goals seem crazy to other people. All geniuses and their ideas were considered crazy.
11. If you think like everyone else, then you don't think.
12. Control your own destiny or someone else will try to do it for you.
13. Friend and enemy are one step apart.
14. Unfortunate is the one who thinks about his goal, and does not work to achieve this goal.
15. If people dissuade you from your dream, then do not pay attention, they just had the same dream, which they once abandoned.
16. Do not take anything to heart and you will understand the taste of freedom.
17. In this world there is only you and your goal, if there is no you, then there is no goal, if there is no goal, then there is no you.
18. Finding love is not a goal, it is an attempt to escape from inner loneliness and self-misunderstanding. Love yourself and you will feel the taste of love.
19. The lover lives in love. Hated in hate. The world around you is a reflection of you.
20. Fear is like the sun at sunset: even a small problem starts to cast a long shadow.
21. Dreams materialize only when you strive for them.
22. Failures and mistakes are an important part of life, and they should not be feared, but missed opportunities are the main mistake.
23. Do not look for excuses for yourself.
24. In order to get what you never had, you must do what you have never done.
25. The hardest thing to do is what you have done more than once.
26. Problems are a lesson that many fear.
27. Any person can run away from a problem, but only a few can enter into an unequal fight with it.
28. As a child, we have fewer fears. The more mature, the more fears we have in our hearts... Fear prevents us from growing, which is why people grow noticeably during adolescence.
29. Courage often comes from mortal fear.
30. Failure brings understanding, and victory only clouds reality.
31. If you stop learning, you stop growing.
32. If you do not understand this, then this does not mean that this does not exist or cannot be.
33. Ignorance of the future is a great gift.
34. Don't worry about what you can't control.
35. Knowledge is not the basis for success. The basis is decisiveness.
36. Momentary happiness does not heal a long-term wound.
37. Patience and again patience. Huge fruit-bearing trees grow from seeds.
38. The less you expect, the more life brings joy.
39. Be grateful to the world and it will be grateful to you.
40. What you take for granted may be the dream of a lifetime for some.
41. Happiness is not a place, event or environment. Happiness is what you think about it.
42. Do not think about the meaning of life too often, the meaning is in ...
43. Don't try to be better than someone, try to be better than yourself a minute ago.
44. Only the wise can admit that he is wrong.
45. People see what they want to see.
46. If you spend a lot of time loving yourself, you won't have enough time to judge yourself.
47. Don't try to tear yourself apart.
48. Look at life through the windshield, not through the rearview mirror.
49. Don't think about death, because you don't even know how to live.
50. Remember, you always have a chance.
Do you know what the biggest harm of the "scoop" is in my opinion? In zasr * brains!
As a result, our person can neither build a proper career, nor be happy personally. At best, it is either one or the other, but in order to have a lot of everything - an insignificant percentage of the entire population of the post-Soviet space! Devastation in the minds ©
….
I want to tell you a story from personal experience how I managed to change everything. Anyway, start.
….
⭐So, the second half of the 80s, I'm about 18. I'm, like, a good and obedient girl, a Komsomol member and an excellent student. Soviet university.
Under the banner of Lenin, we are advancing towards the victory of communism, uniting with the proletarians of all countries, defending the gains of October (by the way, for a very long time I did not understand why the Communists usually call November October, but it’s supposed to be 😂).
And we also go to parades under duress and in general, we don’t really worry about anything, because everything is spelled out in the “Moral Code of the Builder of Communism”, and “the party is our helmsman” and “honor and conscience of our era”.
….
🕯 And then somehow our head of the group once uttered a phrase that became sacramental for me: “Squeeze a slave out of yourself drop by drop!”
- Where does it come from???
- A.P. Chekhov ...
….
Believe me, it was as if a butt hit me on the head!
I confess in spirit! Do you think that in 18 years in the "system" I have ever had the thought that we live somehow wrong? Dudki!
….
😱Damn, but if you figure it out - why do I need a helmsman in the form of a party, if this is my life and only I have the right to decide how I should live?!
I don't care about proletarians from other countries, weekends and holidays I want to relax the way I want, and not march in parades in front of a bunch of uncles standing on the podium.
Why should I be “given” something (an apartment, education, medicine and bread for 16 kopecks), if I want to earn it and experience satisfaction from the fruits of my labor?
I also want to be motivated to learn. foreign languages for travel, and not because to teach that “so it is necessary” for someone!
I am ashamed to admit that my mother was an English teacher, but I didn’t really learn it at that time. Simply because she could not explain to me WHY I should learn it!
….
Here, since then I have been squeezing. Him, dear. That's a slave!
….
Do you think something has changed after the collapse of the Union?
It's just that the slaves now have different masters. But everything is the same, as old as the world - slaves are easier to manage.
Slaves like to be slaves. Slaves resent when someone doesn't feel like a slave. Slaves have no self-respect. As well as knowledge of the laws. Slaves don't need laws. Slaves have concepts, orders, instructions instead of laws.
….
👊 And I don't care if someone doesn't like my way! I am a free person, and moral "limiters" are spelled out in the 10 Commandments and 7 deadly sins. Everything else, how I live and what to do - my own business! This is MY only life that I want to live without excruciating pain...
….
Well, R. Bradbury completed what A.P. Chekhov started:
“Open your eyes wider, live as greedily as if you were going to die in ten seconds. Try to see the world. It is more beautiful than any dream created in a factory and paid for with money. Do not ask for guarantees, do not seek peace - there is no such beast in the world.
"451 degrees Fahrenheit"
Our performance can directly depend on the audience surrounding us. It is also worth noting that those present can influence both positively and negatively. For example, if there is someone nearby, then the person will do much better what he already knows how to do than what he is not familiar with at all.
Psychologist Robert Zajonc noted that observers act as a stimulus, because it is impossible to predict their reaction. Here you can cite as an example knowledge of the matter and novelty. In the first case, it will be easier to overcome psychological barriers and fear of evaluation, and in the second, everything will be much more difficult.
- Placebo effect
In other words, very good self-hypnosis. A placebo is a dummy, a medicine with nothing inside, it is given as an effective remedy. A person starts taking the drug, waiting for some changes ... And suddenly the condition improves. This is called the placebo effect.
- spotlight effect
By nature, it is common for every person to think about himself, how good he is, and also to increase interest in himself from those around him. Consider an example: you are walking down the street and suddenly you stumble. It would seem that nothing out of the ordinary happened. However, at the same moment you get the feeling that a huge searchlight is hanging above you, and its only beam has focused the views of others on your person.
In fact, everything is much simpler. Only a few people noticed your clumsiness, and even they did not attach much importance.
- Naive faith in justice
Enough a large number of people naively believe that justice rules the world and that in the end good will overcome evil, and all positive and negative characters will get what they deserve. Remember, for sure, a similar situation arose with you when trouble happened to some bad person, and you thought it was him for everything he did.
This is how a person works, he needs to know and believe that justice will prevail. Everyone calls it differently, but the essence remains the same.
- Google effect
We have become so lazy that we do not remember elementary information, this is no longer necessary. And all because it can be found on the Internet at any time. Previously, it took hours, or even days, to search: you had to get up and go to the library, choose a book and look for information in it. Now everything is reduced to a minimum, it is enough to make a couple of mouse clicks. The brain does not perceive what is entering it, because it thinks that this is not necessary, because Google is always at hand.
- The paradox of choice
Sometimes, when something needs to be chosen, we find ourselves in an impasse. And as it turns out, a lot is not always good. The big alternative is more likely to lead to suffering than to relief.
First of all, it is necessary to understand what is the difference between each of the choices, what are their pros and cons. On this stage and the pain begins. As a result, it may turn out that there is no pleasure from the chosen option, or it was not possible to stop at anything at all.
- Barnum effect / Forer effect
When we think that a description of a person has been created especially for us, we believe that it is absolutely correct.
In 1948, psychologist Bertram Forer conducted an experiment among students. After passing the test, they handed over sheets of paper to process information that did not exist at all. The scientist created one description, one text, which one way or another suited everyone because of its vagueness. All students approached Forer in turn and evaluated the received characteristic on a scale of five points. At the end, they brought out the average result: 4.26 points. So, the participants rated the result quite highly.
- Pygmalion effect / Rosenthal effect
This trick is classified as a prophecy that comes true on its own. According to some sociologists, this is a kind of self-hypnosis, when a person’s actions and actions are influenced by his expectations.
If a person thinks that he is attractive to the interlocutor, then the whole conversation flows in a completely different way: other mannerisms, gestures, and so on. You can also consider the example of a leader and a subordinate. If the first assigns complex, but quite feasible tasks to the second, then the employee copes much better and faster. It works both ways: if you expect failure or failure, then you will definitely come to this.
- bystander effect
If at the time of some incident there was a large crowd of people around, then you can not wait for help or wait for it for a long time, since everyone thinks that someone else will help.
When there are many eyewitnesses, the responsibility is automatically distributed among everyone, and for everyone it is actually lower than it might seem. And when there is only one witness, he understands that there is no one else to help and takes full responsibility.
- focus effect
Everything is very simple: focusing on some little thing, we do not see what is happening around. Because of such moments, it is possible to misjudge the situation and come to a negative conclusion.
For example, for many people a lot of money is the key to happiness. But why are they needed if there is no health, a loved one, or even time for something other than work?
- Survivor bias
As mentioned earlier, a person draws the wrong conclusions, because he does not know the big picture or all aspects.
Second world war there was a case that became a vivid example for this effect. The statistician Abraham Wald had to calculate what exactly needed to be strengthened in the aircraft so that as many pilots as possible would return to base. It was found that the wings, tails and other details were most often damaged. Someone suggested to strengthen specifically these parts. However, Wald suggested that aircraft with damaged engines simply do not reach the base. He began to strengthen them and turned out to be right.
That is, it would be wrong to take into account data only on surviving people, since overall picture different.
- First impression effect
The first impression is something that cannot be repeated. An opinion about you is formed in the first minutes of acquaintance, and it is this opinion that affects the subsequent assessment of you as a person and the construction of a dialogue.
- The Dr. Fox effect
- Confirmation bias
Each of us has our own point of view. And we give preference to information that confirms our thoughts, even if we are wrong. This trick is quite common, many come across it.
- Illusory correlation
In addition to, for example, justice, people believe that some things are somehow related to each other, although in fact they have nothing in common.
This effect has created stereotypes such as blondes being stupid. Or that two people can quarrel by spilling salt. All these examples and signs are illusory correlation.
A person attaches too much importance to any bright event, hence the wrong connection is built between two different things.
- halo effect
The assessment of a person is sometimes influenced by the general impression of him. For example, we met good man, automatically we begin to think that he is good at everything, and also smart and attractive. And vice versa, smart people we consider attractive and good. Projecting a general opinion on some specific qualities is wrong.
- Tamagotchi effect
Do you remember this popular toy in the nineties? The shell is made of ordinary plastic, and inside is a favorite animal. Care was carried out at a strictly set time: feeding, treatment, and so on. And if they forgot about him, then he died. Of course it was sad. Children got used to and fell in love with a virtual pet, but the feelings were real.
On this moment Tamagotchi went out of fashion, but other gadgets came to replace it, addictive worse than the one before. Now not only children are dependent, but also adults. The consequences are also different: both positive and negative.
- Veblen effect
To show their status in society, a person tends to defiantly make expensive purchases. Many of you will find this counterintuitive, but this trick works. When prices rise, the demand for goods rises with them.
- imperfection effect
Strange as it may sound, “ideal” people are more repulsive than attractive. Never try to be someone you are not. People around you are more attracted to naturalness, even if you are slightly clumsy. And if you know how to turn awkward situations into jokes, then this is a big plus.
- Zeigarnik effect
This psychological trick is directly related to our memory. Scientists have found that an action that has not been completed, the brain will remember better than completed.
If a person is passionate about something and is interrupted, not allowed to finish the job, then a kind of tension appears, it does not go away until the task is completed.
For example, you are busy with household chores and suddenly you are interrupted by a request to go to the store. After returning, you can easily remember what you were doing before you left, because the task was not completed. The same technique is used in advertising: incompleteness and innuendo make it better to remember the video.
- projection effect
People judge others by themselves, attributing their qualities to others. For example, kind people believe that everyone around is sincere and open. And those who believe in justice think that everyone around is just as fair.
- ostrich effect
Agree, it’s more pleasant to learn good news, but you don’t want to hear about bad news. But if suddenly this happened, then we try to run away from the details, not wanting to know them. That is, we actually hide our heads in the sand, without delving into the essence of what happened. However, as you know, ostriches still do not do this. And if we take investors as an example, they check their deposits as rarely as possible when stocks fall on the market.
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Skydive, sign up for Italian, go to a dance, speak at a big conference. Everything seems to be very simple: say "yes" - and make all your desires come true. But it is often very scary to start. Suddenly it won't work? There are many unnecessary doubts and fears.
website I decided to tell you why you need to take risks, fight your fears and always say “yes” to a new one, using the example of famous movie characters.
This is how you live your life without regrets
Surely because of your fears, you have at least once said “no” to something new. And then very much regretted the missed opportunity. Try to take a risk. Yes, you will face difficulties on the way to a new one, but living in regrets is even scarier.
If La La Land's Mia had given up and created her own play, she might never have become a famous actress.
You don't know what this new thing will bring to you.
Sometimes when you say “no” to a new one, you don't know how much it would bring and how much you would lose. You don't really know what you need in life. That's why Down with fears, it's time to act.
If, in a movie about the most famous wizard of all time, Harry got scared and refused to go with Hagrid to Hogwarts, how much Harry himself and the world of magic would lose, and how much we would lose.
Often the experience gained makes a person look at things from a different angle. And this is a very important process. Such a reassessment helps to feel your life deeper and wider.
We all remember the boring Carl from Always Say Yes. His shell was from impenetrable. But how drastically his life changed after he began to say "yes" to everything new! It turned his world upside down and allowed him to look at himself differently.
You will surely gain self-confidence
Those people who conquer their fears always attract success.. This victory gives a person confidence that he can cope with everything.
If Albert from the film "The King's Speech!" had given up halfway through and hadn't triumphed over his stutter, he would never have delivered such an uplifting speech to rally his people in a time of need.
And you will have energy
One day, Elizabeth realizes that she is living the life she did not want. She is exhausted. Therefore, she decides to go on a journey in search of harmony. Filled with energy, Elizabeth attracts not only new friends, but also the man she loves.
You only have one life
Remember, you only have one life. And in this life there should be no unnecessary fears and doubts. They prevent you from feeling the energy and happiness from every day you live. Your life should not be wasted. Being afraid is stupid.
Rudy and Martin have nothing left to live, and they want to fulfill their last wish at any cost. To see the sea - what a simple desire. But they put it off all their lives.
